Today, as I laid on a table with my eyes closed, I silently cried. Today, during a massage, I began to heal. I have always heard how massages are healing. And I believed that, since I have received massages before. But, today, I truly felt like healing was taking place.
My massage therapist was gentle and kind. She oiled and touched my body, working on spots that were filled with tension. Under a dim light, with soft music playing, I closed my eyes and silently cried. I cried because it has been over a year since I last went to a massage parlor. My body was in much discomfort, yet I didn't feel the need to get it massaged. I received multiple signs over the past two days that forced me to realize I NEED this.
Human touch can be delicate, sensitive, and is innately craved by all beings. Human touch, itself, has healing powers. You see, so many people don't experience that. The homeless population, the incarcerated, those deemed unlovable. They rarely, if ever, receive human touch. And that is disheartening.
Today made exactly one year since I was driving back, across the country, after spending some much needed time with my (former) love. He called and by way of Atlanta, I headed east, towards Richmond, as he headed West from his destination. A year ago, today, I was saying goodbye to him. I left him knowing what we both knew and chose not to speak: That would be out our last encounter, as life has taken us in different directions. I'll never relive our time in Richmond, nor have I ever regretted it. But I realize I hadn't healed from it. There are things unspoken that can never be said. My love for him spanned 2.5 years. And I don't regret that, either. But I walked away and began to feel like he didn't acknowledge my hurt. My heart was open and my wounds were fresh. It hadn't even been a month since my mom died. I was still trying to process not having her in my life.
I have come to realize I may never receive the closure I so desire from him. And the way we left things were cordial. I spent so much time wanting to be happy that he is happy. But I teeter between wanting him happy and wanting him to suffer like I did. Today, on that massage table, as I silently wept, in my mind I had the conversation with him I needed to heal. And I discovered I was seeking something from him that he wasn't equipped to give me. I sought his forgiveness and I forgave him. And that meant so much to me. It's like writing a letter and expressing your feelings, yet never mailing it. I began healing.
I also cried because my massage therapist soothingly touched my imperfect, flawed body, without judgment. Being partially nude is a vulnerable place to be. And even though massages are respectful (all mine are professionally done) insecurities can arise. For that hour, I felt unjudged. Whole. And I thought about how many people long for and seek that feeling. To be touched without judgment. Without fears. Without expectations. To be loved on in your own body, regardless of what you have done or have going on. To be present and allow healing. It's such a beautiful thing.
So, today I cried. I grieved the loss of my brother, mother, and my love. And I cleared a path to begin a new chapter in my life. In all aspects. Today, God's love touched me through the hands of Tiffanie, my massage therapist. Go get your healing.
With love,
Nicole Rene
My massage therapist was gentle and kind. She oiled and touched my body, working on spots that were filled with tension. Under a dim light, with soft music playing, I closed my eyes and silently cried. I cried because it has been over a year since I last went to a massage parlor. My body was in much discomfort, yet I didn't feel the need to get it massaged. I received multiple signs over the past two days that forced me to realize I NEED this.
Human touch can be delicate, sensitive, and is innately craved by all beings. Human touch, itself, has healing powers. You see, so many people don't experience that. The homeless population, the incarcerated, those deemed unlovable. They rarely, if ever, receive human touch. And that is disheartening.
Today made exactly one year since I was driving back, across the country, after spending some much needed time with my (former) love. He called and by way of Atlanta, I headed east, towards Richmond, as he headed West from his destination. A year ago, today, I was saying goodbye to him. I left him knowing what we both knew and chose not to speak: That would be out our last encounter, as life has taken us in different directions. I'll never relive our time in Richmond, nor have I ever regretted it. But I realize I hadn't healed from it. There are things unspoken that can never be said. My love for him spanned 2.5 years. And I don't regret that, either. But I walked away and began to feel like he didn't acknowledge my hurt. My heart was open and my wounds were fresh. It hadn't even been a month since my mom died. I was still trying to process not having her in my life.
I have come to realize I may never receive the closure I so desire from him. And the way we left things were cordial. I spent so much time wanting to be happy that he is happy. But I teeter between wanting him happy and wanting him to suffer like I did. Today, on that massage table, as I silently wept, in my mind I had the conversation with him I needed to heal. And I discovered I was seeking something from him that he wasn't equipped to give me. I sought his forgiveness and I forgave him. And that meant so much to me. It's like writing a letter and expressing your feelings, yet never mailing it. I began healing.
I also cried because my massage therapist soothingly touched my imperfect, flawed body, without judgment. Being partially nude is a vulnerable place to be. And even though massages are respectful (all mine are professionally done) insecurities can arise. For that hour, I felt unjudged. Whole. And I thought about how many people long for and seek that feeling. To be touched without judgment. Without fears. Without expectations. To be loved on in your own body, regardless of what you have done or have going on. To be present and allow healing. It's such a beautiful thing.
So, today I cried. I grieved the loss of my brother, mother, and my love. And I cleared a path to begin a new chapter in my life. In all aspects. Today, God's love touched me through the hands of Tiffanie, my massage therapist. Go get your healing.
With love,
Nicole Rene
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