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Is there more?

 I’ve seen the movie “For Colored Girls” numerous times. I have it on DVD. I watch it often. Every viewing brings life to a line of poetry I hadn’t heard before. “There’s always something more”-a line one character said to another. The receiving character was a single, promiscuous woman, using sex to fill an unnameable void. There is a root cause-a reason she has so many lovers. She hasn’t taken the time to understand the “why”. 

I haven’t taken time to understand my “why”. Partly because I never thought there was a plausible “why”. Partly because I am scared of what I’ll find. I don’t know that I can have intimacy without it being a sexual thing. Let me clarify: I want to be held, intimate, to be “one”, but not necessarily be sexual to be “one”.I want that to come, just when it’s time and not rushed. 

Let me do a flashback. The movie “For Colored Girls” is based on a choreopoem by Ntozake Shange, called “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide, When the Rainbow is Enuf”. This resonates with me, as someone who HAS considered suicide. 2013 was a trying year for me. I was driving home one day and I heard on the radio that an actor named Lee Thompson Young had committed suicide. I pulled over and cried. Not because I was a super fan , but because I knew how it felt to want to end it. I, for a while, contemplated driving off a bridge or placing a gun to my temple and ending it all. My son is my saving grace. He is the only reason I can say I am still alive. Suicide would be selfish and leave a void for him. I’ll blog more on how having him broke me and saved me all at the same time. Stay tuned. 

Oftentimes, I think I’m too broken to be whole in a relationship. Other times, I feel like I’ve been single too long and I am about to send my son off into the world to live his life, so I can finally do some things I haven’t been able to. I wanna travel the world. Come and go as I please. Not sure how a functional relationship would fit into that. Then again, I am non traditional and outside the box. Maybe this is exactly what I need-a non traditional relationship for a non traditional woman. 

It feels like I am trying to reclaim power that was taken from me. I have never been sexually assaulted/raped. But there have been times I have felt obligated or like no was not an option. I blame no one, nor do I have any stories to tell or people to “out”. Time alone has forced me to learn about myself, to see my flaws, and reflect on things I’d rather ignore. Sometimes I hate what I discover. I never understood my brokenness while I was in it. In non physical ways, I was abusive. I see me and am ashamed, embarrassed, and heartbroken at how I treated others. 

Life is....______. I can’t fill in that blank. I don’t know what it is. I don’t know why life is... why we live. Not sure what the purpose is. I just know I don’t care anymore. I’m not suicidal, I just lack the will to live or give a fuck about living. I’m not choosing to go anywhere. Not choosing to die. I’m just done with choosing to live. 

-Nicole Rene 

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