I have been on a fervent, spiritual journey for the past seven years. It was only then, I began to know myself-as a person, as a woman. I was 28 years old before I was comfortable enough with myself to begin peeling off layers and allowing my freeness to flow. I am a mother. I am a teacher. I am a writer. And I am a sexual being. For so long, the latter was something I suppressed. I wasn’t comfortable enough to speak on that aspect of me. But it’s part of who I am and how I got here-to this place, this space.
I grew up Catholic. Sex was to be abstained until marriage, according to our Sunday school lessons. Though people in my family shacked up and had kids out of wedlock-and weren’t looked down upon. For so long, I masturbated with guilt. Even though the release was wonderful and I enjoyed touching my body, I felt like religion taught me I would be punished for the sin-even though it didn’t involve another being. I use to spew the words “But I’m a Christian” not knowing what that even meant. I rejected religion because I didn’t understand it. How could something that is supposed to be holy and pure have such a harsh wrath? Then I remembered all the movies I saw where the nuns were mean women who punished children for any infraction. That confused me more. If you love God and serve God, why are you so harsh to God’s children? So religion was something I began to despise. But I still longed for and sought God.
I always tell others that religion and God don’t necessarily go together. Yes, God is in all religion but religion is not necessary to find God. I can seek the Creator wherever I am physically and emotionally. I don’t need to be in a sanctuary for that. So I sought God. First, I studied other religions. Islam made more sense to me as a person of color than Christianity. I resonated with the Muslim journey more than the Christian one. But I didn’t want the suppression and oppression I see take place in the Muslim community. So I still sought. I took a religious studies class and learned about religions I had never heard of. And I appreciated that I could take pieces of each religion and apply them to my life. I didn’t want to be tied down to a specific religion and lose aspects of the others that I respected. And through that, I realized I didn’t need to tie myself down with a religion. I could love and seek God through spirituality.
I yearn for answers and clarity. I want to know that God hears me and I am living as I should. Using whatever gift was bestowed upon me. So I take time, daily, to talk and listen. I pour my heart out and allow myself to be open to hearing something from God. I fall. I fail. I regroup. And I try again to be a better person.
I experienced two losses in a short time period. And I was able to gain clarity and channel that grief into projects that allowed me to help others.
I wanted marriage. I longed for so long to be a wife. To create a home and family. And I never had that experience. As I look back, I had to sit with myself and ask myself if I wanted marriage because innately I feel like being a wife is my path. Or do I wanna be married because society says I should? Social conditioning runs deeply and we have to sift through to find out what we believe-at our core-and what has been ingrained in us by outside entities. I appreciate my freedom. I’m a woman who loves to travel and wants to live across the globe. Could I do that if I had a husband? Yes, I could-depending on his career or path. But, ideally. I’d have settle for being married and living in one place. Maybe my dreams would have been deferred. Maybe I’d grow to resent my husband for the life I chose. I don’t know what God has planned for me in the department of relationships. Maybe I am not meant to be with someone. Maybe I will end up with someone. I hope to not be eternally lonely or alone. I appreciate the knowledge I’ve gained. And I hope God never stops giving me little signs and reminders that my prayers and voice matters. Your hear me, I know you do.
In seeking God, I truly began to find myself.
-Nicole Rene
I grew up Catholic. Sex was to be abstained until marriage, according to our Sunday school lessons. Though people in my family shacked up and had kids out of wedlock-and weren’t looked down upon. For so long, I masturbated with guilt. Even though the release was wonderful and I enjoyed touching my body, I felt like religion taught me I would be punished for the sin-even though it didn’t involve another being. I use to spew the words “But I’m a Christian” not knowing what that even meant. I rejected religion because I didn’t understand it. How could something that is supposed to be holy and pure have such a harsh wrath? Then I remembered all the movies I saw where the nuns were mean women who punished children for any infraction. That confused me more. If you love God and serve God, why are you so harsh to God’s children? So religion was something I began to despise. But I still longed for and sought God.
I always tell others that religion and God don’t necessarily go together. Yes, God is in all religion but religion is not necessary to find God. I can seek the Creator wherever I am physically and emotionally. I don’t need to be in a sanctuary for that. So I sought God. First, I studied other religions. Islam made more sense to me as a person of color than Christianity. I resonated with the Muslim journey more than the Christian one. But I didn’t want the suppression and oppression I see take place in the Muslim community. So I still sought. I took a religious studies class and learned about religions I had never heard of. And I appreciated that I could take pieces of each religion and apply them to my life. I didn’t want to be tied down to a specific religion and lose aspects of the others that I respected. And through that, I realized I didn’t need to tie myself down with a religion. I could love and seek God through spirituality.
I yearn for answers and clarity. I want to know that God hears me and I am living as I should. Using whatever gift was bestowed upon me. So I take time, daily, to talk and listen. I pour my heart out and allow myself to be open to hearing something from God. I fall. I fail. I regroup. And I try again to be a better person.
I experienced two losses in a short time period. And I was able to gain clarity and channel that grief into projects that allowed me to help others.
I wanted marriage. I longed for so long to be a wife. To create a home and family. And I never had that experience. As I look back, I had to sit with myself and ask myself if I wanted marriage because innately I feel like being a wife is my path. Or do I wanna be married because society says I should? Social conditioning runs deeply and we have to sift through to find out what we believe-at our core-and what has been ingrained in us by outside entities. I appreciate my freedom. I’m a woman who loves to travel and wants to live across the globe. Could I do that if I had a husband? Yes, I could-depending on his career or path. But, ideally. I’d have settle for being married and living in one place. Maybe my dreams would have been deferred. Maybe I’d grow to resent my husband for the life I chose. I don’t know what God has planned for me in the department of relationships. Maybe I am not meant to be with someone. Maybe I will end up with someone. I hope to not be eternally lonely or alone. I appreciate the knowledge I’ve gained. And I hope God never stops giving me little signs and reminders that my prayers and voice matters. Your hear me, I know you do.
In seeking God, I truly began to find myself.
-Nicole Rene
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