It has taken me a minute..... a few days, actually, to gather my thoughts and deliver this post in a way it's intended.
I spend plenty time telling young ladies to embrace womanhood, femininity, whatever gives you confidence and makes you feel beautiful and strong. If that's your sexuality, great, embrace that. But I am also aware to let ladies know your sexuality is YOURS. You own it, no one else does. But always be conscious about your decisions, be aware, be careful with your body, your heart, your self. Period.
So I took a little getaway, two weeks ago. And I saw someone who was a friend, long ago, who I have been in constant contact with over the past 10+ years. We sat and talked, in a public place, for about an hour or two. We talked about different relationship dynamics and other stuff. I was telling him I had been in a polyamorous and polygynous Facebook group, although I don't identify as either. His comment was "so basically you're a freak". Umm NO. Being open to different styles of relationships doesn't make one a freak. So our time talking was ending. We were ready to say our goodbyes. He then made a comment saying he might drop by and see me Monday (as I was leaving Tuesday morning). He asked what I was going to "give him" if he came by Monday. Umm NOTHING. That conversation and those two comments he made left me feeling some kind of way. And that is why I decided to blog on this.
I read a blog a few weeks ago, written by a sexually liberated woman, who was saying how men flood her inbox with inappropriate pictures and messages, all because she identifies as a sexually liberated woman. The blog post was about how her liberation was about her NOT any man. And she felt some kind of way that those men reacted to her liberation the way they did.
That happens often to women. If we have had sex, we are assumed to be "easy", "whores", "sluts", "freaks", or some other label that implies our free will and freedom should be labeled and identified and controlled by someone other than us. There is the implication that because a woman is sexually active, she should be obligated to have sex with any man who wants to have sex with her. After all, she HAS allowed another man in the vagina. "Giving" the pussy away (which is incorrect). I just want to say how false that claim is and how disheartened I am when a woman feels like she SHOULD because of the reasons stated above.
I like to use this as an example: If I am in the room with 10 men, and I decide I want to have sex with some of them-if it's my free will and I am not being forced or coerced or trafficked-I damn well can do what I feel. And if guy number 9 comes close and I say "NO", I have that right, too. His argument may be "But you fucked 8 others, why won't you fuck me?" My response is "My body, my choice." Now, I know you are probably saying "you may as well fuck all of them". But who are you to decide who I am sexual with? If I want to sex 10 men or just 1, that is my business. I am not obligated to have sex with anyone I don't choose to. And if that means saying no to one out of many, guess what, I have that choice. It might not seem right or fair, but it is my choice. The idea that we should sex a person because we are not a virgin is illogical.
I belonged to an all female social media group, a few years ago. And I remember we were talking about rape. One woman said she had never been raped, but she has felt obligated to have sex with men at certain times. I cringed because I understood her. I have felt that way, also, in my life. But I know better, now. And I know we are NEVER obligated to be sexual with anyone. Anything more than our choice is a crime. And at any time, you can say "No" or "Stop".
Can I be a woman who likes sex but doesn't want to have it with you? The answer is YES. I am aware of sexual energy, fluids, attachments created during sex. And because I am aware, my choices are different than what they were, say, 12 years ago. And I build relationships on more than sex. If we get to that point, great. If we don't, we just don't.
Men (and boys) need to understand that overt sexual advances and aggressive sexual conduct and talk is not appealing to women. It can actually make us feel violated. I am more than a vagina. My pussy doesn't tell you about my intellect, my goals, my future plans. And just because you think I am sexy, beautiful, or you want to fuck me doesn't mean I share those sentiments. And every thought YOU have about ME doesn't need to be shared with me. I have breasts, I know that. No need to point it out and compliment me on them. Especially if we just met or you don't know me well. Things like that make me as a woman feel very uncomfortable. Don't look at me like you're going to pounce on me. And don't talk to me using sexual language/slurs. And as a woman, I have the right to TELL you how uncomfortable your words or looks or gestures make me feel. And I will not apologize nor will I let you downplay my feelings or invalidate them.
I don't have daughters, I have a son. And I want to make sure he, as a male (young man) knows the appropriate ways to interact with females (young women). And I want him to understand WHY the inappropriate ways are inappropriate. He can't be responsible for someone else's reaction. But he can be responsible for what he conveys and how he treats and interacts with another.
SEXUAL LIBERATION DOES NOT WARRANT DISRESPECT! REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT!!
Nicole Rene
I spend plenty time telling young ladies to embrace womanhood, femininity, whatever gives you confidence and makes you feel beautiful and strong. If that's your sexuality, great, embrace that. But I am also aware to let ladies know your sexuality is YOURS. You own it, no one else does. But always be conscious about your decisions, be aware, be careful with your body, your heart, your self. Period.
So I took a little getaway, two weeks ago. And I saw someone who was a friend, long ago, who I have been in constant contact with over the past 10+ years. We sat and talked, in a public place, for about an hour or two. We talked about different relationship dynamics and other stuff. I was telling him I had been in a polyamorous and polygynous Facebook group, although I don't identify as either. His comment was "so basically you're a freak". Umm NO. Being open to different styles of relationships doesn't make one a freak. So our time talking was ending. We were ready to say our goodbyes. He then made a comment saying he might drop by and see me Monday (as I was leaving Tuesday morning). He asked what I was going to "give him" if he came by Monday. Umm NOTHING. That conversation and those two comments he made left me feeling some kind of way. And that is why I decided to blog on this.
I read a blog a few weeks ago, written by a sexually liberated woman, who was saying how men flood her inbox with inappropriate pictures and messages, all because she identifies as a sexually liberated woman. The blog post was about how her liberation was about her NOT any man. And she felt some kind of way that those men reacted to her liberation the way they did.
That happens often to women. If we have had sex, we are assumed to be "easy", "whores", "sluts", "freaks", or some other label that implies our free will and freedom should be labeled and identified and controlled by someone other than us. There is the implication that because a woman is sexually active, she should be obligated to have sex with any man who wants to have sex with her. After all, she HAS allowed another man in the vagina. "Giving" the pussy away (which is incorrect). I just want to say how false that claim is and how disheartened I am when a woman feels like she SHOULD because of the reasons stated above.
I like to use this as an example: If I am in the room with 10 men, and I decide I want to have sex with some of them-if it's my free will and I am not being forced or coerced or trafficked-I damn well can do what I feel. And if guy number 9 comes close and I say "NO", I have that right, too. His argument may be "But you fucked 8 others, why won't you fuck me?" My response is "My body, my choice." Now, I know you are probably saying "you may as well fuck all of them". But who are you to decide who I am sexual with? If I want to sex 10 men or just 1, that is my business. I am not obligated to have sex with anyone I don't choose to. And if that means saying no to one out of many, guess what, I have that choice. It might not seem right or fair, but it is my choice. The idea that we should sex a person because we are not a virgin is illogical.
I belonged to an all female social media group, a few years ago. And I remember we were talking about rape. One woman said she had never been raped, but she has felt obligated to have sex with men at certain times. I cringed because I understood her. I have felt that way, also, in my life. But I know better, now. And I know we are NEVER obligated to be sexual with anyone. Anything more than our choice is a crime. And at any time, you can say "No" or "Stop".
Can I be a woman who likes sex but doesn't want to have it with you? The answer is YES. I am aware of sexual energy, fluids, attachments created during sex. And because I am aware, my choices are different than what they were, say, 12 years ago. And I build relationships on more than sex. If we get to that point, great. If we don't, we just don't.
Men (and boys) need to understand that overt sexual advances and aggressive sexual conduct and talk is not appealing to women. It can actually make us feel violated. I am more than a vagina. My pussy doesn't tell you about my intellect, my goals, my future plans. And just because you think I am sexy, beautiful, or you want to fuck me doesn't mean I share those sentiments. And every thought YOU have about ME doesn't need to be shared with me. I have breasts, I know that. No need to point it out and compliment me on them. Especially if we just met or you don't know me well. Things like that make me as a woman feel very uncomfortable. Don't look at me like you're going to pounce on me. And don't talk to me using sexual language/slurs. And as a woman, I have the right to TELL you how uncomfortable your words or looks or gestures make me feel. And I will not apologize nor will I let you downplay my feelings or invalidate them.
I don't have daughters, I have a son. And I want to make sure he, as a male (young man) knows the appropriate ways to interact with females (young women). And I want him to understand WHY the inappropriate ways are inappropriate. He can't be responsible for someone else's reaction. But he can be responsible for what he conveys and how he treats and interacts with another.
SEXUAL LIBERATION DOES NOT WARRANT DISRESPECT! REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT!!
Nicole Rene
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